What makes a man who he is?
Is it the worst things he’s ever done,
or the best things he’s trying so hard to be?
I’m officially 25 years old, and suddenly, life is not so cool anymore. There’s some part of me that cringe as I approach this age. This milestone tend to get me thinking a lot & heavy, where I have to analyze every aspect, and surely on real-based. I know, who we are today is reflection about what we’ve done in the past, and who we are in the future is based on what we’ve done & decided today, right?
As I grow older, there are a lot of good moments happened in life, and they make life worth living. But the problem is, moments pass, and lurking around the corner from those moments is a cruel, named reality. I know it may sound stupid, but I didn’t always feel so great about myself growing up. But, It’s time to let go of the fantasies, It’s time to living in reality.
Where is it going? Who I’m gonna be in 10-15 years more? Where is place that I have to settle? What should I have done differently? Am I really happy with my life? Etc, and etc.. Then I start thinking about all the things in life that I haven’t done yet too.
Maybe this doesn’t happen to everyone, but it certainly happened to me. Because honestly, I really don’t want to just living life as if I had no choices, just like ” let the chips fall where they may”. But the problem is, some “fantasy” involved. As I reach 25, I really have to “delete” the fantasy part. Truth is, it’s quite scary.
A private part, me & my God. Well, most of the time, I’m not who I think I am. Just like most people, We normally evaluate ourselves through a filter designed to let mostly self-advantageous material trickle through. Also, I’m not the sum of people’s perceptions neither. Other’s opinion about us would remain incomplete, ‘cause there are private aspects of our lives that remain unshared. So, just let God decide where I “stand” for now.
But, you see, there is no medicine like hope, and there is no tonic so powerful as put a trust in Allah SWT for a better tomorrow.
Career & Social Life Chapter
Then, I’m starting to analyze my career so far. Yes, lots of my college friend already established their career. While, it’s different for me. As an Engineer at EPC Oil & Gas Industry, I still need to improve my technical competence & experience. Because, the common thing for being engineer at this industry, I have to anticipate an uncertainty. I can see in this profession, real security means owning value, valuable skills that can be proven objectively.
I know I’ve made a rapid improvement about a so called “soft-skill”. It’s a consequence for constantly moving to new environment, where I’ve been forced to “adapt” & “stand-up”, like it or not, regardless who my co-workers or what challenges are. Although it’s stressful for a while, but I’m happy with what I’ve gained, and opportunities that will be presented in the future.
On the other hand, I have small-scale business in website development. The thing is, it gets worst year after year, even now I haven’t got clients for months. I love doing this thing, though. But, the reality of my life is that turning a hobby into a job didn’t automatically make me happy, because work is not “play”. And now is the good time to just drop it, I think.
The thing that I’m really grateful, I have a chance to “see the world”. I can interact with new people with different backgrounds, going to new places (city, suburb, remote area, anywhere!!). It is an eye opener, and makes me more “Open Mind”. Yep, as young single man, it’s good & I’m enjoying much, but it shall be different when I have my own family.
This is a part where too much “fantasy” involved. As far as I know, each relationship is a reflection of ourself (good or bad). Subconsciously, it’s a reflection of our deepest insecurities & needs.
For me, It’s almost same with Engineering. It has phases to develop, Issued for Review, for Approval, for Design, Issued for Construction , and finally As-Built. And yes, I’m still single. The thing is, I know “the last page” so well, I just can’t read “the first page”, mostly. Well, now is a good time to read the first page, as long as I didn’t make permanent decisions on temporary “spark”, I’m sure I’ll be fine.
Well, I don’t have complicated mind. I’m just a person who doesn’t follow trend of opinions, but a person who does what I think is right to me, regardless what others said.
All in all, I think twenty-five is an age where I discover who I really am, after all, I’m reaching adulthood. I mean by that, is finding what I’ve always loved deep down that makes me different from everyone else, where I can be myself & not worry for editing it to impress anyone. It’s the most liberating feeling, indeed.
Yes, I’m envying the people who have chased their dreams more than I have. But that’s life, maybe. It’s okay, there is no need to rush. So, for the most part, I really hope I’m on the right track, because every accomplishment starts with the decision to try. I can’t just skip ahead to where I think my life should be, it doesn’t work that way. And what main progress have I made? Well, I have begun to be a friend to myself.