The Overwhelmed Part

Life Crisis

At some stages of our life,
We will deal with things We are overwhelmed with misery and anxiety…


2 months ago, at the end of day, I’ve got formal feedback from my boss. In one side, I felt grateful for being labeled an excellent performance. On the other side, I felt so worried to maintain this, to maintain the perfect “season”..

I think that’s where everything start. More and more responsibility, with more complex technical-based of task comes to my desk. I do know that these responsibilities reflect their trust on me. But, it left me with a huge burden to finish it in perfect way.

And finally, today is the point of my life where I’ve really got caught with tired, stress, and simply couldn’t keep up with the pace of progress. More and more problems are showing up on my daily job, uncontrollable. All of dreams for my future-living, just to be replaced by exhausted reality, attacked day by day..

It’s just, I’m finding every little step is a struggle, like I’m carrying too heavy a load, that as I walked, it seemed to grow heavier and heavier. Sometimes, “tiny” things can be surprisingly significant weighing me down. I’m not strolling along easily any more. I’m not enjoying the journey. Every step feels like a big effort – and I just can’t understand why..

I felt that I’ve got caught up in a relentless downwards spiral. Guilt-trip on telling myself that I shouldn’t feel this way. I’m angry to myself, and frustrated with my performance, felt lonely somehow, felt upset and scared with my expectations..

It wasn’t like the old time, where I was just happy and thriving despite everything the world threw at me. And the worst part, I really felt so alone to face it..

I know – I know – I’m telling myself, over and over again, that this feelings are all just in my head and I’ve got the power to choose them. But, that doesn’t make it a lot easier. It just makes me beat myself up. “Why can’t I cheer up? I should pull myself together. I need to be stronger. There must be something wrong with me”. Whatever it is, I feel like I’m being slowly crushed..

I don’t like how my feeling. I know when we’re overwhelmed, it’s easy to end up going in circles. But, I really don’t know where to begin sorting through all the stuff that makes up my life. I’m afraid that if I stop, I’ll be left behind..

And, it is hard to take a break too. There is always “deadlines” everyday, a lot of commitments which I just can’t get away from. I’m really confused with the next steps, which’ll get me closer to where I want to go..?? I really just hope to overcome the overwhelmed quickly..

The 2010 Journey..

It feels like it was just yesterday that 2010 year was beginning, and now it’s all over. Time flies fast, doesn’t it?

It’s just like driving. When you’re driving in a car, it can be hard to see where you are and where you’re heading to. On the other hand, pausing for a short moment to look at “the map” can be amazingly helpful. Doing so helps to regain focus.

2010 will be remembered as the year that pushing me towards an adulthood life. Today, I looked at back with anything that I’ve done, even I couldn’t believe with what I’ve achieved.

2010 was begin with lots of feelings of under-achievements in almost every aspect of my life. While some of my friends had already established their career path, me on another side, was back to “square one” after resigned and become unemployed. Then, I was facing a daring adventure month on “selling” my resume, going from one opportunity to another opportunity and from one city to another city.

My own small business hit the lowest point where I didn’t have any clients at all, that was leaning to a self-doubt. “Maybe I’m in the wrong business, or ” maybe I’m a total idiot for thinking this would ever work out at all,” I was wondering..

And with those kind of event in my life, it really made me far far away to think about those love stuff, such as dating or serious relationship.

Then, after long dark “road”, then, I jumped to the ship in one of big worldwide company that served Oil & Gas Industry. A job that provide me an opportunity to have a real career path, to grow, to learn, and also going overseas. The opportunity to completely change my whole life to walk in a new direction.

But, the job turns out that I have to work in a way that I couldn’t imagine. Workload that makes me have to sacrifice my personal life, the stress when I felt stuck with the analysis, and also being a multitasker junkie, but surprisingly been trusted to be an interviewer.

Then, near end of the year, clients suddenly coming in, and my own business back again to the game. Eventually, It forced me to hire a few staff.

What about love area? Well, I looked at some of my friends that getting married, that honestly presents a strange moment of self-evaluation, especially when wedding invitation came. But, in 2010, my main focus was to prepare myself in terms of religion, mentality, attitude, financial, etc. But, I’ve done nothing for chasing or trying to built “connection”. Yep, I know that odds are, She’s not gonna magically walk through that door, but it seems as nice a spot as any to just, sit and wait for a while, preparing myself on any side.

So, 2010..?? I learned that “timing” is so important in any area of life, experienced times to be underrated & unappreciated, felt too old for some stuff, experienced the period where I felt lost control over my path, and therefore also felt anxiety about my decisions, confused about what I’m sacrificing or compromising..But there was also a moment when I realize I can’t just skip ahead to where I think my life should be..

Yep, Tomorrow had arrived..Welcome 2011..

Opick – Rapuh

Detik waktu terus berjalan,
Berhias gelap dan terang..

Suka dan duka, tangis dan tawa,
Tergores bagai lukisan..

Seribu mimpi, berjuta sepi,
Hadir bagai teman sejati..

Di antara lelahnya jiwa,
dalam resah dan air mata,

Ku persembahkan kepadaMu
Yang terindah dalam hidupku..

Reff:

Meski ku rapuh dalam langkah
Kadang tak setia kepadaMu
Namun cinta dalam jiwa
Hanyalah pada-Mu

Maafkanlah bila hati
tak sempurna mencintai-Mu
Dalam dadaku harap
hanya diri-Mu yang bertahta..


Detik waktu terus berlalu
semua berakhir pada-Mu..



(See the video below).. Continue reading

Excuses on Our Mind

“Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life.
If you continue to believe as you have always believed,
you’ll continue to act as you have always acted.
If you continue to act as you have always acted,
you’ll continue to get what you have always gotten.
If you want different results in your life or your work,
all you have to do is change your mind…”


You see,  I am constantly fascinated about what the mind can make me do (or not do). But, the complexity of our minds actually can become our own worst enemies when it comes to being happy. It will tell us one thing and desire another, or strive for a goal while secretly fearing for achieving it..


Here is the list that I’ve experienced at some point of my life :


“I’d be happier if I just had less to do..”
Minds trick that thinking we’d be happier if we didn’t have to work. However, the truth is that idleness often leads to boredom and depression. Surely, We need challenge and accomplishment to be happy. When you take all the pressure off from struggling, you lose your sense of purpose. I’ve experienced this when I was unemployed few months ago.



“I just need to discover the secret to success..”
I am convinced that there are no “secrets” to success. Living a successful life is pretty simple. Create a vision for the future, formulate a strategy, and then work hard to achieve it. If you fail, you try it again. I’m not sure if there are shortcuts or secrets to that.



“I like things just the way they are..”
Believing this is just letting yourself be set-up for a fall. Life is a journey of constant change. Some of which we control and some we don’t. Resisting changes or trying to control the changes is self-defeating. It will drain you. Change is inevitable. Accept this, learn to go with the flow, being adaptable, and then you might suprised for result.



“I’ll decide when I know for sure what to do..”
Over-thinking every decision will leave you stymied. Weighing the risks, analyzing the possibilities and making a plan are important, but nothing ever happens until a decision is made and action is taken. Don’t let your mind trap you into over-analyzing everything, because We very rarely have perfect information when making choices. Trust me!



“Dreams only come true for those that are lucky..”
Our minds will sometimes trick us into thinking we are victims of fate. They will lead us to believe “nothing good ever happens to me”. What our brains credit as the luck of others. We are full of potential and although your circumstances might add a degree of difficulty, just keep trying, and you might be surprised at the “luck” that comes your way. Never let your mind trick you into giving up. Something interesting happens when you eliminate the option of giving up. We don’t know what tomorrow holds, right?

Two Years in Real World..

 

I think, most people have fancy expectations that one day,
we will find a person who really understands our experiences,
the woman who will bring peace to our restless life,
the job where we can fulfill our potential,
the book which will explain everything,
and the place where we can feel at home..



Well, It’s official. I’ve been living in a real world for two years since I’ve graduated from college. I think, I feel like I’ve grown up a lot since then, and all fancy expectations have been replaced with real responsibility, you know?

I look at my life, and I’m no longer studying & learning about how to do something, I’m actually doing it. Suddenly I’m being paid money to do something because it needs to be done. It’s not a case where if I don’t do it or I’m late in doing it, then I just get a bad grade.

And I think that’s how you know when you’re an adult. Not that college is easy or anything. But there’s a world of difference when you realize that you’re actually doing stuff, forging the way ahead.

During on college, my biggest concern was still trying to get assignments done on time, ensure that I didn’t oversleep in the morning when my professor took test, internet football forum stuff, PC games, new episodes of Serial TV, how to impress a girl from different faculty, and how to bail from relationships when it becomes too serious, etc..

All adult serious stuff such as long terms career, money flow, secure investment, inflation, future families that I’m going to build, and so on, only appears as pretty much a joke of fantasy.

But,now, I realize that I have to consider about those things, seriously, looking at as real responsibilities.

And it’s not just responsibility with respect to the company I work for. There’s responsibility for future family too. Even if I don’t have a family now, I feel the responsibility on my shoulders for the “ghosts” of my future family to come. I don’t have a wife or children now, but chances are good that I will at some point in the future.

And with this responsibility, I’m suddenly forced to have financial responsibility. With actual amounts of money, I have to ensure that those amounts are preserved, grown, and enough down the line for future.

Two years ago, before living in a real world, all I have just fancy expectations. But, after two years in a real world, reality revealed some uncomfortable truths, where, I do have a lot of real responsibilities.

Bukan Hasil Akhir..




Akhir-akhir ini, ada satu pertanyaan naif dari orang-orang sekitarku, yang kadang secara tidak langsung melemahkan semangat perjuanganku. “Kenapa orang kecil seperti kamu mesti kerja habis-habisan? Toh, gajinya cuma segitu-gitu juga”.

Dalam sujud panjangku semalam, ingatanku kembali melayang ketika masih di kampung dulu. Dulu, aku sering ikut orang tua pergi ke pasar pagi, pada pukul dua pagi untuk menjual hasil panen. Bertemu dengan manusia-manusia sederhana, tukang gorengan, penyapu jalan, petugas pembersih toilet, buruh tani, dll.

Apakah mereka akan mendapatkan hasil besar? Tidak..!! Meskipun mereka tahu bahwa tidak mungkin untuk mendapatkan pendapatan sejumlah miliaran atau sekedar ratusan ribu rupiah saja, namun mereka tetap melangkah, ikut terlarut dalam geliat hidup.

Dalam dunia nyata, setiap orang tahu, ada sejumlah hadiah disediakan bagi mereka yang berkoneksi sangat kuat. Bermodal teramat besar. Dan berkedudukan begitu tinggi. Namun, jika saja orang-orang yang tidak memiliki semua keistimewaan itu memilih untuk berhenti sebelum bertanding, kehidupan mungkin akan berubah menjadi sebuah ironi ketidakberdayaan.

Aku jadi sungguh merasa malu. Karena aku yang notabene lebih beruntung seringkali menyia-nyiakan potensi. Terlalu mudah untuk berkeluh-kesah. “Untuk apa bekerja jika dibayar dengan upah murah? Cuma membuat kaya para pengusaha saja! “Ngapain susah-susah jika gaji cuma segini?”

Padahal, orang tua sudah menyekolahkan dengan bersusah payah, mengumpulkan rupiah, demi rupiah, dengan terengah-engah. Supaya aku bisa jadi “orang”. Namun, setelah lulus? Setiap kali dihadapkan pada jalan yang menanjak sedikit saja, sudah cepat merasa lelah. Ketika tersandung dengan kerikil kecil saja, sudah mengeluh seolah kehilangan kaki sebelah. Mungkin, bukan peristiwanya yang menjadi musibah, tetapi sikap. Astaghfirullah…

Ya Rabb, jadikanlah aku ada dalam barisan hamba-hamba-Mu yang mampu memenuhi & menunaikan panggilan hidup, dengan segenap bekal yang telah Kau amanahkan dalam diriku. Panggilan hidup untuk menjalani kehidupan itu sendiri, jauh dari rasa takut & khawatir tentang hasil akhirnya…

I’m 24 years old


People live much of their lives in uncertainty.
What might happen in a week…a month…a year…
Never knowing for certain who we will meet along the way.
Who among the world of strangers will hold our hand,
Touch our hearts, and share the pain of trying..
I wondered about my own life,
if I would be able to answer the questions had kept appearing..


What can I say..I’ve became 24 years old today..Yep, 24 years old, the age where I’m kind of used to living in the real world. But, many things that I still cannot answer regarding my own life. You see, when you reach at some stages of age on life, you might be surprise to discover you still don’t have life quite figured out.

I know that My Life Destination still exist on “fantasy” and still take a long “road” to arrive on it. I can’t even guess how often I believed the thoughts I was holding onto were true, only to find out otherwise. I guess, it’s easier to see what we want than to look for the truth.

Maybe, It really is about the journey. While the end result could be anything, it’s the process of developing that provides me the most learning opportunities. Eventhough it takes my breath away sometimes. But that’s life. You know? You never end up where you thought you wanted to be. I’m sure, We have experienced disappointment in our life. It’s okay, those are old dreams..

Well, this year..?? The year that I’ve been dumped by a girl, the year that I’ve resigned from the job that I thought “what I really wanted”, the year that I’ve been unemployed for several months, the year that I’ve been rejected from many interviews, the year where things in my life were changing like crazy, and damn it if it wasn’t the best year of my life. Because, if any one of those things hadn’t happened, I never would have ended up and turned out to be an engineer on this company. Of course, the chapter is continued…

That’s the funny thing about destiny though. It happens whether I plan it or not. If I look back on those days, It’s kind of funny though. I can understand that everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck. Happy moments, sad moments, even the sheer stupidity moments, all occurred to shape me into who I meant to be..

Dear God, thank you so much for everything that You gave to me, through challenges as tests of persistence and courage that life throws at me during my quest to help me grow as a person..But, Honestly for me, my main question right now is, “Am I really good person..?? I mean, not in a joke, not rhetorical, or not in form of sarcasm, or, still depends on point of view..??”

Life Lessons from Children



Well, on “Lebaran / Idul Fitri” this year, I couldn’t go back to my hometown to celebrate with most of my family (as usual tradition). So, I’ve spent my Lebaran day in Jakarta where I’ve met some of children at this neighbourhood. And, I can’t help myself on noticing something, you know.

See, it’s kind of weird, when We’ve already Grow-Up with lots of responsibility, we wistfully look back to those carefree childhood days..!! But honestly, As I make the transition to adulthood, I certainly can learn by looking at how children see the world..

These are the three main lesson that I can see from children :

1. Living in The Moment

As I grow older, my thoughts become increasingly focused on either the past or the future instead of the now. It seem that I’m picking-up the art of nursing grievances about things that happened and worrying about things that may never happen.

But for a child, everything is unfolding in real time before his eyes. They haven’t yet learn the art of being consumed by past or future..

2. Living in The Heart

As I Grow older, my mind starts dominating rather than my heart. The heart is to the fore – the spontaneous, that does not plan or calculate, but just spontaneously acts, creates and discovers.

If you asked a bunch of six year old children “who can paint?” All hands would shoot up. But, the same question asked to adults might not raise any hands at all! As we grow up, we imbibe very fixed ideas and conventions about what we can and cannot do, but children have no such restrictions – life for them is just one long play session.

3. An Unconditional Love

As I grow older, love is something different perspective. Haven’t you noticed that, when we give our love to someone, we often do it with the subtle expectations of what the other person should do. Then when that person we love doesn’t fulfill our expectations, there can be a great deal of disappointment & hurt.

But when a child loves, their love is unconditional, and when they smiles at you, can feel it beaming from them like the rays of a sunbeam. It is a kind of love that comes straight from the heart, without preconditions or expectations. It is a pure expression of who they are. This kind of love is something that we can still access as adults, isn’t it..??

Lebaran Sepi di Rantau



Mudik, bagi para kaum rantau (seperti awak) adalah suatu keharusan. TV dan koran ikut menyemarakkannya. Bahkan minggu-minggu terakhir di kantor, udah gak ada yang konsen kerja lagi. Walaupun secara fisik masih di kantor, tapi jiwa sepertinya udah ada di kampung.

Ya mudik merupakan fenomena Ilahiah. Ada rasa kerinduan yang mendalam ketika lebaran tiba untuk pulang kampung. Sebuah tradisi yang menyemai nilai-nilai Islam yang sungguh luar biasa menyentuh bagi setiap insan.

Tapi tahun ini, awak tidak bisa mudik, tidak leluasa berkumpul di kampung. Karena libur kantor / aturan kerja yang tidak bisa ditawar, dan harga tiket yang “mantap” ketika H-1. Walhasil, terpaksa Lebaran di Jakarta aja. Meski awak merantau sudah lebih dari 5 tahun, tapi biasanya lebaran selalu ada di tengah mereka.

Ya, hari ini aku rindu segalanya tetek-bengek rumah. Aku ingin berkumpul bersama orang tua, bersenda gurau dengan kawan-kawan lama, berangkat ke masjid diiringi gema takbir bareng orang-orang sekampung, dan bersalam-salaman ke segenap orang.

Ah… sepi rasanya bila mengingat kebersamaan yang selalu ada di setiap lebaran. Dua malam awak bengong di depan jendela selepas tadarus, nyalain YM tanpa chatting karena yang OL sepi.  Dua malam ini seolah – olah “dunia” berkompromi agar awak merasa sepi dalam kerinduan pada suasana.

Rindu pada nuansa kebersamaan dan Idul Fitri di tengah keluarga. Rindu pada ketupat, rendang, dan kue khas Lebaran buatan Ibu. Dan rindu pada perasaan haru ketika sungkem di pangkuan Ayah-Ibu..

Busy..?? Really..??

“Being busy does not always mean real work.
The object of all work is production or accomplishment…”

~ Thomas Alva Edison


Last week I had a very full schedule. Meetings, events, analysis reports, engineering projects, etc. I felt sooo busy. Until, My Boss encourage me with simple question. He simply asked me : “Armet, When was the last time you heard a successful person regard to themselves as “busy”?!” Wow, this question really make me realize lot of things..

Do you remember the last time you asked someone how work was? How about life in general? What was their response? The unanimous answer: “busy”..!! The response is almost programmed. No need to think. And then they look at me proudly, as if I should be impressed. Well, I can’t say that I am.

I’ve noticed that We’ve talked of being busy for so long that we’ve forgotten that being busy was never the goal. We are not on this earth to be busy. We are here to contribute, build relationships, experience life, go places, create things, help others, or whatever else you decide. But I have a feeling that none of us feel we are here simply to be busy. Why are We thinking that busy is good, no matter what we’re busy with?

I’m sure that being busy is not the way we should measure our worth. I do not believe being busy is a worthy goal for any of us. I think that felt busy is simply a state of mind. And, the fundamental difference between busy and doing a lot is in the attitude. Whenever someone tells you they’re busy, there’s negativity in that statement. It’s more of a complaint then an actual representation of their reality.

Life can never be too busy for the things that matter most. Pride and satisfaction are not found in busy. It doesn’t mean I don’t get things done. It just means I have to enjoy, do them calmly and with intent.

Yep, I am done being busy. That is no longer my response to life. Enjoy the weight that gets lifted off my back simply by changing my focus. Perception is reality and I don’t need busy to be my reality. I bet you’ll get even more done and have time left over to do the things you really care about.