Be Myself..

And here I am,
right here in the place where I belong,
it’s a life with a beating of young heart

Saya masih ingat “kesan” yang muncul ketika pertama kali mendengar puisi ini. Waktu itu saya baru masuk kuliah & baru resmi berubah status menjadi mahasiswa. Sepertinya baru kemaren, namun ketika dibaca lagi, segala motivasi, harapan, & idealisme dari dalam diri itu masih membekas kuat.

MENJADI KARANG, meski tidak mudah.
Sebab ia akan menahan sengat binar mentari yang garang.
Sebab ia akan kukuh halangi deru ombak yang  menerpa tanpa kenal lelah.
Sebab ia akan menahan hempas badai yang datang menggerus terus-menerus dan coba melemahkan keteguhannya.
Sebab ia akan kokohkan diri agar tak mudah hancur dan terbawa arus.

MENJADI POHON yang tinggi menjulang, meski itu tidak mudah.
Sebab ia akan tatap tegar bara mentari yang terus menyala setiap siangnya.
Sebab ia akan meliuk halangi angin yang bertiup kasar.
Sebab ia akan terus menjejak bumi hadapi gemuruh sang petir.
Sebab ia akan hujamkan akar yang kuat untuk menopang.
Sebab ia akan menahan gempita hujan yang coba merubuhkan.
Sebab ia akan memberikan buah yang manis dan mengenyangkan.
Sebab ia akan berikan tempat bernaung bagi yang singgah di dahannya.
Sebab ia akan berikan tempat berlindung dengan rindang daun-daunnya.

MENJADI ELANG , dengan segala kejantanannya, meski itu juga tidak mudah.
Sebab ia harus melayang tinggi menembus birunya langit.
Sebab ia harus melanglang buana untuk mengenal medannya.
Sebab ia harus melawan angin yang menerpa dari segala penjuru.
Sebab ia harus mengangkasa jauh tanpa takut jatuh.
Sebab ia harus kembali ke sarang dengan makanan di paruhnya.
Sebab ia harus menukik tajam mencengkeram mangsa.
Sebab ia harus menjelajah cakrawala dengan kepak sayap yang membentang gagah.

MENJADI MELATI, meski tampak tak bermakna.
Sebab ia akan tebar harum wewangian tanpa meminta balasan.
Sebab ia tak takut hadapi angin dengan mungil tubuhnya.
Sebab ia tak ragu hadapi hujan yang membuatnya basah.
Sebab ia tak pernah iri melihat mawar yang merekah segar.
Sebab ia tak pernah malu pada bunga matahari yang menjulang tinggi.
Sebab ia tak pernah rendah diri pada anggrek yang anggun.
Sebab ia tak pernah dengki pada tulip yang berwarna-warni.
Sebab ia tak gentar layu karena pahami hakikat hidupnya.

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When The Storm Came..

Often, what’s going on in this mind,
is much more compelling, than what’s going on outside..
Maybe life is just a quick succession of busy nothings..
Or, maybe the state of our life is nothing more
than a reflection of our state of mind..

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been completely swamped by work, especially due to Mechanical Completion of this project is on the verge of schedule, while still lot of things shall be done on time. It’s easy to feel panic during this period. Not consistently, but when it comes, it’s been a scary feeling.

I felt that I’m constantly on auto-pilot, working myself to the bone, and falling to overwhelming stress and pressure. I’ve noticed that I get overwhelmed and upset much more easily when I’m feeling tired or a bit grotty. I’m guessing this isn’t just me. I think most of us find that even little things can get blown out of proportion when we’re already run down.

And so I’ve been really focusing for the last couple of days on ways to be calmer, digging myself out, and writing this, is part of it. I know, sometimes, I’ve just got to hang on to something and let the storm run its course. Ultimately, it’s up to me to clear my own thought, as the saying goes that “our thoughts create our reality”.

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The Self-Acceptance Part

Sometimes, things need to fall apart,
to make way for better things..
The eggs are already broken.
So, let’s make sure,
We get a pretty good omelet out of it..

(~Ted – HIMYM)

“Adulthood” isn’t a tangible thing that people can suddenly possess. There were a time, when I wake up in the morning, it felt like life was out to get me. It seems that my life has veered off its anticipated “track” while everyone else’s is charging ahead. To be honest, it create some inevitable anxiety.

I know that, entering the real world can sometimes feel like stepping into a horribly disappointing surprise party. Surprise! It’s the worst job market in decades. Surprise! It cost a quarter of your paycheck. Surprise! Your favorite artist fantasy lied—about everything. And on it goes..

While it’s easy to project our feelings of anxiety as surprised when others taking a huge step on their life, but maybe that shiny new diamond is just one part of the story. So, I’m kind of realized that there’s just something about my life that I have yet to figure out, and I think it’s a Self-Acceptance.

Since I’ve graduate from college, I lived in various city in this country. At some point, having a chance getting to know lot of people (with different ethnic backgrounds, from different cities and countries, who live at various socioeconomic levels), I begin to understand that everyone basically wants the same things. The way we pursue these desires is where things branch off, but the fundamentals are the same. I can easily notice that, people want validation, love, happiness, fulfillment and hopes for a better future.

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Learn to Let Go The Uncontrollable

Surely there is a time when you realize that,
it is a time to let some things go..
It’s the moment you realize that all that anger,
and worry just isn’t useful..
And you start to let go of it,
and just enjoying your life…
But, it just takes a while..

Life is constantly changing. But, there comes a point in life when I just get tired of trying to fix everything. I think it’s not giving up. It’s just realizing that I don’t need certain things or certain people and “the drama” they used to bring.

I think, sometimes, what happened in our life, can be so unpredictable, out of our control, and so stressful. But, as you grow older, there are things that you just have to let go, without any complain, and without looking it back. And yes, those things are usually the uncontrollable and the unchangeable, that will remove all the burden that we used to have.

Letting go of the uncontrollable and unchangeable in life is to admit the obvious truth, that I’m not responsible to affect a change or correct a problem which is beyond my competency, power, authority or responsibility.

It is releasing over-responsibility, giving permission to myself to be free from an over-responsible sense of obligation, duty or requirement to make everything “perfect” in my life and the life of others. Somehow, It’s getting rational about what I can and cannot do, becoming realistic about what is and what is not.

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2012 – Life Doesn’t Design Like “Engineering”

What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong,
All caught up in the eye of the storm,
And trying to figure out what it’s like moving on,
So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?
The hardest part of ending, is starting again…

(~ Linkin Park – Waiting for The End)

Its getting to be about that time of year when everyone starts to look ahead to the future, think about the plans they’ll make for the new year, and set goals around all the things they hope to accomplish. Well, I’m no different. In the end, the lessons from 2011, are meant to be the resolutions of 2012..

Yep, for all I know, 2012 is going to be the most difficult year ahead. The path ahead will not be smooth. It will be challenging, it will be rocky and I may even feel like quitting at times. I’m excited, but undoubtedly a little scared. But whatever happens, learn to accept everything what life will throw at me. I have to “Walk the walk” and (also enter) hope, and, focus on the dignity of simplicity (kesederhanaan)..

Well, my life doesn’t always look exactly like I want it to. But, I think the world doesn’t change all that much if I have more money, a different space, or a better job. The wrapping paper is different, but the gift inside stays the same.

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Long Holiday & Faraway from Everything

People come home for a lot of reasons..
They come home to remember,
They come home because of nowhere else to go,
They come home when they’re beaten,
They come home when they’re proud..
but people always come home because,
it’s the only place in the world where understand them..

Yup, It’s been a while, and so, at the end of this year, I got my long field break, finally. I know, I really need this. It’s a good time to holiday. At first, I thought it’s time for some reflection, recharge for next challenge on the next year, and honest “define” about “where I am”. Because, planning is like a map, a map itself won’t help  if we don’t know where we actually are.

Then, when I’m in a plane to Jakarta’s home, I still remember how my mind can’t stop wondering during the flight. I saw people in the executive class, and I notices that they’re cheering and laughing, they look sooo alive. And, I can’t help myself but thinking, how they can be just like that. Whaaw, they all looked so damn happy to me. God, why couldn’t I look like that?

I think, most of us will agree with me, that we all want to wake up excited to go to work, spend our days accomplishing goals we’re proud of, and come home feeling pleasantly fulfilled. Oh, and somewhere in there, we’d like a paycheck that provides us with a comfortable lifestyle and may one day put our kids through college. That’s the dream of an ideal life, anyway.

On the one hand, I want life to be full of interesting, challenging missions that force me to learn, adapt and improve. On the other hand, I want a stable routine which ensures me don’t lose what I’ve gained.

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The Art of Challenge

It’s not what you do, it’s why you do it..
It’s not what you see, it’s how you look at it..
It’s not how your life is, it’s how you live it..
Because, just like everything else in life,
with the right attitude, everything will just be easy..

As far as I understand so far, Life is pretty much a big wheel of wants. As we grow older, spinning that wheel will take us on many different challenges. Part of that journey involves an element called “Chance”. But, the truth is, we don’t know what chances or opportunity we’ll encounter during our life. Suffice to say, the real world is a lot more ambiguous. It can be overwhelming, stressful and downright daunting.

And that is the thing that I’m facing right now. You see, since last month, I’ve been handed a new opportunity on my job, which made me not only dealing with technical side, but also to manage, control, and guide the team who execute the task. I know, this is the start of a very independent period for me, one of big chance for myself to grow professionally. This time there’s a new element called big responsibility that has been added to the game.

And, with this chance, it comes the challenge, where I’ve been forced to deal on my edge of incompetence, get out of my comfort zone, scaling my frustrations, tolerate the uncertainty, filter something grey, control my emotions, persuade/influence people without being “bossy”, arguing in a good & respectable manner, learning to prioritize, divide my attention but keep focused on detailed, and surely learning to put my ego at the right time & the right condition.

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25 Years Old, The Beginning of Reality

What makes a man who he is?
Is it the worst things he’s ever done,
or the best things he’s trying so hard to be?

I’m officially 25 years old, and suddenly, life is not so cool anymore. There’s some part of me that cringe as I approach this age. This milestone tend to get me thinking a lot & heavy, where I have to analyze every aspect, and surely on real-based. I know, who we are today is reflection about what we’ve done in the past, and who we are in the future is based on what we’ve done & decided today, right?

As I grow older, there are a lot of good moments happened in life, and they make life worth living. But the problem is, moments pass, and lurking around the corner from those moments is a cruel, named reality. I know it may sound stupid, but I didn’t always feel so great about myself growing up. But, It’s time to let go of the fantasies, It’s time to living in reality.

Where is it going? Who I’m gonna be in 10-15 years more? Where is place that I have to settle? What should I have done differently? Am I really happy with my life? Etc, and etc.. Then I start thinking about all the things in life that I haven’t done yet too.

Maybe this doesn’t happen to everyone, but it certainly happened to me. Because honestly, I really don’t want to just living life as if I had no choices, just like ” let the chips fall where they may”. But the problem is, some “fantasy” involved. As I reach 25, I really have to “delete” the fantasy part. Truth is, it’s quite scary.

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Responsibility of Tomorrow


“We can’t escape the responsibility of tomorrow
by evading it today,

Because the future is only, partly,
in our hands…”

(~Abraham Lincoln)

You see, in my opinion, when we try to divine the future, I think we’re really looking for hope. Or some peace inside, knowing everything is going to be okay, or reassurance that what we are doing is the right thing to do.

So, have you ever done this exercise: not daydreaming, but closing your eyes and really visualizing where you want your life to be in the future? What do you see?

For sure, all of us, We always want to get from here to there, because there’s something over there we really want. You do know that after this “Lebaran” / “Idul Fitri”, we have to go back to our “routine” city and leave our families, even with a very sad heart, right? Or, in another day, We’re counting minutes on deadline work, we’re watching & monitoring our bank accounts. The question here, what is it really? Why do we did that?

I think, because, all of us want to succeed in life. We want to accomplish something – to feel that in some way, we’ve “won”. Success or won by our own definition, not by others “standard”.

And the main thing that I’ve realized, the goals we set, and where we want to be in our future life, only can be achieved if that’s in line with the type of person who we are today. I mean, we  can’t accomplish every single thing we want in life, because some of the actions We’d have to take aren’t consistent with the type of person we want to be.

I look back, any of the biggest moments in my life did not come out of nowhere – they were the result of tiny moments of choice. I imagine all the little decisions I’ve made and how those seemingly insignificant choices have turned me into the person who I am today. The chances I took, the different paths I could have taken, if I had done things just a little differently, or the things I may have missed out on. I give myself some perspective, and realize that this single action I take will today will affect all of my tomorrows.

So, the main questions, are you willing to be the type of person you need to be in order to get the results you want? YES, I DO…!!! Because, I’m the one who’s responsible for my own future.

And that it isn’t just about trying hard – it’s about trying harder and pushing yourself, wanting to win so badly. Things, circumstances, and people come and go, and the only thing that remains constant is ME, witnessing it all from the present moment.

Maybe, Life is like a book, that everyday has a new page with adventures to tell, things to learn, and tales to remember. However, people are made wise not by the recollection of their past, but by the responsibility for their future…

Self Honesty

“The best years of your life are the ones
in which you decide your problems are your own.
You do not blame them on anyone, the ecology,
the environment, or even the president.
You realize that you’re responsible for your own life.”

(~ Albert Ellis)

As I am growing up, I’m slowly gaining consciousness through random encounters in my life. And, during this holiday (Field Break), it reached the peak point. I spent my time analyzed what I had done in my life, what I had achieved – and what was it worth? Am I the person who I want to be? Am I living my own value?

I’m trying to take a good hard look at myself, and I understand that It can be hard to just honest, to look ourselves in the eye and see what’s really there. Because, so often we see ourselves as something we’re not. And so often, we want others to see something different as well.

But, I’m now much more willing to do this. I’m not sure what has changed. Perhaps I’ve stopped judging myself so harshly, or maybe that I didn’t try to “justify” my actions anymore. Or maybe I’ve just experienced enough to know now that it’s the right thing to do.

Because, when I’m honest with myself, it means that I wasn’t afraid to confront my own imperfections anymore. I realize also, that I’m the one who’s responsible about my own life, whether it’s good or bad, ordinary or extraordinary, interesting or boring, happy or sad, etc.

You see, I’ve been waiting for this phase in my life to begin for a long time, a phase where I can be myself and not worry about editing my attitude or my behavior just to “fit-in”. It is the most liberating feeling, indeed. Nothing beats being really honest about who you are and what you need. All the rest just works itself out.

Above all else, I always want to walk the walk, not just to stand aside and watch, no matter what people say or think, in both my personal & professional life.

But, in truth, the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that we may think we know what the future will hold and we can plan down to the most minute detail, but really, when it comes down to it, nothing is for certain, and nothing is completely predictable. Sometimes, things just happen the way they happen. We cannot know what the future holds for us in exact way, right?

When I really sit down and think about it, I don’t need to know what the future brings. The thing is, as long as I keep trying as best as I can, then I’m sure that I can gain more and more clarity about the right path of success.

I hope that no matter what I do from here on, all pieces of puzzle will fall right into place, and my journey continues..