What we crave most in this world is connection..
Fate working its magic, and, that’s great.
But that’s not the way it really works..
It’s complicated, it’s messy..
It’s about horrible timing & fumbled opportunities..
And not being able to say, what you need to say,
when you need to say it..
At least, that’s the way it WAS for me..
Everyone has their own story & gone through something, including on romance part. You see, each relationship is a reflection of ourselves (whether good or bad). Subconsciously, it’s a reflection of our deepest insecurities and needs. And when I really take the time to reflect the good or bad times, clear all the baggage, it is a window into my soul.
As far as I understand, all successful relationships require some work. They don’t just happen, or maintain themselves. They exist and thrive when both parties want to take the risk of sharing what it is that’s going on in their minds and hearts. Yup, open communication & honesty is fundamentals.
When I look to my past, I can easily identify the pattern of problematic relationship. I think, they are common relationship problems that makes why many romantic partnerships do not work out. Here’s the thing that I can write for now, and also some lesson its moving-on.
Ego & Emotional Insecurities
Sometimes, relationships give people’s ego a method, by which to identify who they are to the outside world. They attach so much of their identity to the appearance of their relationships where their pride & self-esteem stand. Especially when somehow, the mainstream of most society seems to be hovering at the belief that we are only complete when we have found our life partner.
Usually, the attachment to this false identity will always leads to a feeling of desperation rather than fulfillment. The objective of having a relationship becomes to complete themselves for the sake of just getting into one, rather than because of real, unconditional love.
Besides the ego identification, it’s easy to develop a dependency on companionship. Our mind becomes fogged and as our self-identification begins to attach itself to the other person, unconsciously or consciously, and seeking out validation from our partner. So, instead of focusing on the celebration of love and partnership, it becomes a game of how to protect ourselves from loss.
Communication of Needs
Somehow, people think that their partner will magically know what to do to fulfill their needs. They don’t communicate their needs clearly, openly or bravely. When their needs are not met, they secretly begin to resent their partner. Thus starting a vicious cycle in the silent destruction of a romantic partnership.
Have you ever had a friend come to you and complain about all of the things they are unhappy about with their partner? As far as I concerned, those are the kinds of things they should be telling their partner, if they actually want a change.
Bad Fit & Settling
Deep down, we are all really good people. But this doesn’t mean that any combination of two good people will make a good partnership. There is such thing as a bad fit, and it is okay to admit it. The best fits are ones where the most important values for both people are met. They have a mutual attraction, understanding, commitment, and equal level of respect for each other.
When we realize that our relationship isn’t a good fit, the worst thing we can do is to justify staying in it with what seem like logical reasons.
The Moving-On Lesson
As it turned out, moving on wasn’t as easy as I thought. It didn’t happen overnight, It would take years, because there are more things than meets the eye. No matter how I tried to push away the past, the past hung there like a shroud, affecting the way I thought about myself, my decisions and actions.
Ultimately, there were past baggages to clear before really move on. It was through little steps, little realizations along the way that enabled me to finally release the old baggage I was hanging on to, and gained the closure I needed properly.
All these require an ability to think consciously and to maintain a level of objectivity, which is hard because such matters are usually linked to deep sorrows and injured pride. This didn’t mean I wasn’t making progress before; it just meant the emotional wound was deeper than I thought.
It’s easy to conclude you are not good enough when something doesn’t work out. I thought I wasn’t good enough for a long while. Subconsciously, I kept thinking that I was unworthy, critical, judgmental, not gentle enough, etc. It was only a year ago where I questioned myself – What exactly was “good enough” then? If the relationship could only happen if you are different person, then it meant you’re not the right for each other.
There is no preset criteria on what are the “right” or ‘wrong” traits to embody, just different expectations. If you don’t embody the traits the person is looking for, that just means you guys aren’t the right match, that’s all. There is nothing wrong with you or him/her.
The best relationships are the ones that just come naturally. Have natural fun, and easy, and simple or uncomplicated. The thing is, we don’t lose our lovers, we just gradually figure out who our real ones are. Surely, our destiny is never tied to our past. It doesn’t mean our past partner is bad people, it just means that their part in our story is over.
Well, It’s funny looking back at those days, knowing now exactly what I’m heading towards.. And what is heading towards me… ( More on this, I’ll continue to write it later) 🙂