The Question That Change My Life..

There are times in life when you need to just settle for less,
There are also times in life when you know that you deserve more,
And you need a push & courage to make a big changes for real…
And sometimes,
that came when you honestly question yourself..

(~ARM)

I remember this kind of week last year, (you can read it here), at the time, I felt indeed, my life was out of balance. Although, I’m ready to just settle for the kind of life that I was living at the time, as part of Self-Acceptance to the reality of life, but I can’t help myself to just wondering that I need big changes.

Maybe, at that time, I was juggling a lot. I know, at the time, things are (mostly) on track, and I can see progress in the different areas my life on career, romance, and other things. Overall, it is working. Yet, inside I feel overwhelmed, and some days – just downright tired from juggling it all. I felt that I should be split into different pieces to give the right amount of attention that everyone is asking from me. Yes, I felt, that there is something missing.

Well, I’m sure that most of us go through this at some point in our lives. You know that feeling that something is not quite right? That something is missing in your life? Maybe, we don’t really understand what it is, but it scares us. So much that we’re willing to do almost anything to make it go away.

Then, I asked myself to be brave enough to sit still and really listen to myself. That night, the tiny voice inside my mind, a voice startles me, just as I began to slide into sleep. “Go, dream, seize this moment”, it says. On other side, my mind stirs and answers sleepily, “Why? I already know what’s out there isn’t worth it that much. I have everything I need right here. My mind is suddenly filled with a thousand concerns and a feeling of looming uncertainty wells within me like a slowly draining battery.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock. I heard the sound of my alarm clock, and I couldn’t seem to remember how long it’s been. It seems more like a dream — someone else’s life, not my own. The quiet metronome of the clock reminds me of the creeping complacency that’s slowly shrouded my life, like a cancer gone undetected until it’s too late. “I wasn’t always like this. What happened?”

Then, I watched How I Met Your Mother on “Unfinished” episode (as I wrote here). It made me look real hard about my lifelong dream and relate with what I’ve achieved on my life so far. My thoughts wander to childhood fantasies, although it’s kind of silly, of being the world’s greatest guitarist, or the cool scientist, or the famous football player, or simply just wanted to rank as the first in my school class. And of course, the greatest martial artist of all time after I had first seen action movie.

The Big Question Flash on My Mind..

And that time, I felt that I’m really just living a predictable ordinary life. Even lived like that, so many overwhelmed moments that I have to face. Then, the biggest question in my life suddenly flash to my mind,

“How much longer can I live like this?
Will I be able to live like this for the rest of my life?”

I was thinking despairingly to myself. As the saying goes, truth hurts, but the truth is a lot more valuable. The key is, to realize our own situation and being honest to ourselves, that we, indeed, need to change our own life’s reality.

You see, at my graduation day from college, my parents told me once, that the first 5 year ahead is an important year wherein you — not the details of my life which are constantly in flux, but the very filters with which I see things, the principles that guide my existence — will change. I’ll realize who I am, make decisions about who I keep company with, solidify my priorities, and generally see myself in a bigger context than ever before.

I’m inclined to think it’s a coincidence that in that year, everything I believed, every relationship I held dear, every truth I thought I could rest on, the very filters through which I viewed the world shifted: painfully, awkwardly, and awesomely. Well, we might have different ways of experiencing the change, and varying degrees of even being cognizant of it, but it’s palpably present. This is the best I’ve done so far at breaking it down.

Action, Action, and Actions..

Suddenly, a hot sensation of anger fills me. “I can’t keep doing this,” I practically cry out. But this isn’t the first time I’ve felt like this. I’ve been here before. Like deja vu in reverse, I remember all the times I’ve became nostalgic for a life that could have been. A life of boldness and adventure and deliberately acting on what’s most sacred in the deepest part of my heart. I’ve made promises before, that things will be different. But promises aren’t enough. I need a push. I need a catalyst that draws a line so firm that I can never turn back. I need to make a leap and burn the bridges to the life of template following I’ve left behind. I need to rise up and find your direction magnetically.

Suddenly, I rise out of bed, my heart beating with the rhythm of a thousand drums. I hear myself murmuring, “Enough is enough”, as I go to my desk, and open a new Word document on my computer, update my Linkedin profile, and applied lot of opportunities to work abroad.

My fingers begin to type furiously, passionately. And as I labor away in the dark, I can faintly hear the sound of the clock on my bedside table ticking away. Tick, tock.. A few hours later, I walk back to my bedroom, the key to my freedom – an updated CV and an updated Linkedin profile – pressed gently against my heart. I steal a glance at the ticking clock at my bedside: 1:55 am. I have to wake up in less than five hours, but I don’t care.

For the first day in a long time, I went to sleep with peace and hope in my heart. You know, that time I felt that starting now, my life will change and it will never be the same. I know it’s time for me, to reclaim my freedom, to finally answer the call of my heart and the call for bigger adventure. A few months later, I land the opportunity that I’m working abroad in Middle East now…

Again, as I always said, “Fabiayyi aala i rabbikuma tukadzdziban”..

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One Response to The Question That Change My Life..

  1. “When I was little and running on the race track at school, I always stopped and waited for all the other kids so we could run together even though I knew (and everybody else knew) that I could run much faster than all of them! I pretended to read slowly so I could “wait” for everyone else who couldn’t read as fast as I could! When my friends were short I pretended that I was short too and if my friend was sad I pretended to be unhappy. I could go on and on about all the ways I have limited myself, my whole life, by “waiting” for people. And the only thing that I’ve ever received in return is people thinking that they are faster than me, people thinking that they can make me feel bad about myself just because I let them and people thinking that I have to do whatever they say I should do. My mother used to teach me “Cinderella is a perfect example to be” but I have learned that Cinderella can go fuck herself, I’m not waiting for anybody, anymore! I’m going to run as fast as I can, fly as high as I can, I am going to soar and if you want you can come with me! But I’m not waiting for you anymore.” ― C. JoyBell C.

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