26 Years Old and The Big Picture

Destiny is a pretty big concept..
Where you are in life, how you got there,
what would have happened if one thing or another had been different..
Well, It’s funny looking back at those days,
knowing now exactly what I am heading towards,
and what heading towards me..

Well, today I’m officially 26 years old, and wooooow, this is also my first official post on my new blog. A blog that using my own name as domain. It’s still hard to believe that I can reach this big milestone in my life so far. It’s indeed, my life is really going in a good direction now. I couldn’t be more thankful with everything that comes into me this year. I’ve got everything I’ve been dreamed of since I was kid this year.

To be honest, when I celebrate my 25th birthday last year, I’ve never thought that my life would be changed so much as it like today. I still remember that last year, I was asking myself regarding, “What makes a man who he is? Is it the worst things he’s ever done, or the best things he’s trying so hard to be?”. After I was being able to answer that question, I was ready to accept reality, and starting to begin to be a friend to myself.

But then, every big changes came this year. I’m finally able to take a massive step on my career. Today, at this 26th of age, I have more confident and become accustomed to learning to think bigger.

Because, after what happened this year, I realize now that I don’t want to wake up someday at 65 years of age, sighing over what I should have tried. I just want to do it, be willing to fail, and learn along the way. At least, I’ll give my best shot. At the end of the day, whether I choose to go with it, flow with it, resist it, change it, or hide from it, life will always goes on.


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Lebaran Sepi di Rantau

Mudik, bagi para kaum rantau (seperti awak) adalah suatu keharusan. TV dan koran ikut menyemarakkannya. Bahkan minggu-minggu terakhir di kantor, udah gak ada yang konsen kerja lagi. Walaupun secara fisik masih di kantor, tapi jiwa sepertinya udah ada di kampung.

Ya mudik merupakan fenomena Ilahiah. Ada rasa kerinduan yang mendalam ketika lebaran tiba untuk pulang kampung. Sebuah tradisi yang menyemai nilai-nilai Islam yang sungguh luar biasa menyentuh bagi setiap insan.

Tapi tahun ini, awak tidak bisa mudik, tidak leluasa berkumpul di kampung. Karena libur kantor / aturan kerja yang tidak bisa ditawar, dan harga tiket yang “mantap” ketika H-1. Walhasil, terpaksa Lebaran di Jakarta aja. Meski awak merantau sudah lebih dari 5 tahun, tapi biasanya lebaran selalu ada di tengah mereka.

Ya, hari ini aku rindu segalanya tetek-bengek rumah. Aku ingin berkumpul bersama orang tua, bersenda gurau dengan kawan-kawan lama, berangkat ke masjid diiringi gema takbir bareng orang-orang sekampung, dan bersalam-salaman ke segenap orang.

Ah… sepi rasanya bila mengingat kebersamaan yang selalu ada di setiap lebaran. Dua malam awak bengong di depan jendela selepas tadarus, nyalain YM tanpa chatting karena yang OL sepi.  Dua malam ini seolah – olah “dunia” berkompromi agar awak merasa sepi dalam kerinduan pada suasana.

Rindu pada nuansa kebersamaan dan Idul Fitri di tengah keluarga. Rindu pada ketupat, rendang, dan kue khas Lebaran buatan Ibu. Dan rindu pada perasaan haru ketika sungkem di pangkuan Ayah-Ibu..

Future-Worried Slaps Me

Have you ever had one of those days,
where nothing at all that monumental happens,
but by the end of it,
You have no idea of who you are anymore,
or what the hell you’re doing with your life?

I think, in career terms, that’s what happened for me right now.
I know, as I grown-up, there is always a new areas of experience,
where I have no guidelines, handle things badly, overreact, & get it wrong.

And again, I have to face it & just deal with it..

You see, when you reach at some stages of age on life,
you might be surprised to discover you still don’t have life quite figured out..
Especially, when your best plans are not working as you liked..
Then, it’s leaning to a self-doubt, future-worried, and fear.
All negativity starting to flash on mind, & self-confidence slightly fade away.

Because, honestly,
When everything in our life is right on track,
it’s easy to believe that things happen for a reason, it’s easy to have faith,
and also easy to give an advice or motivate others.
But when things start to go wrong, then it’s very hard to hold on to that faith.
It’s hard not to wonder what reasons these things happen for..

At the first place, the whole story looks so predictable. Study hard, go to college, graduate, then find a secure job, planning pension, meet a woman, and built a family. But in reality, even to get all of those predictable story arc, are not as simple as it sounds.

The real problem starts now, near around my mid-20’s, when I get thrown out into the world to do “whatever I want to” and realize that actually, the majority of the time is just been spent for surviving and helping others to survive. Kind of a bummer, especially when I spend the majority of my early 20’s of days looking forward to the freedom of being an adult to chase all my goals. This realization is enough to cripple me..

I know, the career path that I’ve chosen since a year ago will make me to deal a lot with uncertainty. Back to that time, I believed I can handle the challenge, and just being happy & excited to take it step by step. But, what I didn’t know is that dealing with uncertainty itself  is very stressful, especially when I experienced with my own-head to miss the best opportunity. And, I just can’t help myself to clear some air from all these future-worried.

Yeah, surely, now is the kind of time in my life at “the down” phase,
and, maybe this is exactly the times to behave & learn a lot as an adult..
To measure myself at least once with nothing to help me,
except my hands and my own head..
Well, for now, all I can think about, is to take “a leap of faith” route..

Mom & Dad, I’m Coming Home..


Finally, I got holiday time for couple of days…
And, I’m coming home, tonight…

God..It’s been more than a year that I haven’t seen my home.
Yeah, Home..The only place in this planet that I can consider as heaven.
A place where I’ve been raised with warm love of wonderful family..
A place where I was born and grew-up, studied and played, cried and laughed..
A place with thousands memories..

You know, whatever things that I’ve been through right now,
inevitable struggling of job complex, or stressful process for Self Development,
I always know one thing for sure, FAMILY COMES FIRST..
That’s why, When I have a time to come home, I go.
Even, just a little bit of time.

Before I went away to college far away from my hometown,
I’ve made promise to myself.
That, I wouldn’t let down my parent’s hope,
In academic things, character, religion, and financial.
To be a kid that have been gifted by God to my parents.
To be a kid that took part as God’s presents to my parents.
Not just a kid that is throwing his life to nothing.

Mom & Dad..Look at me, look at your son for what he has became right now..
Please, enjoy the moment and the pride, You both deserve it..
Son that you’ve raised through pain, tears, joy, and love..
When I open the door’s home, and meet them,
the first thing that I want to do is to cry on their hand,
with a heart of fully respect and so thankful..
So they both know, How much I love & Miss them,
and how much I feel grateful to have parents like them..

Mom & Dad..
Deep inside my heart, I do really hope,
You both always feel grateful to God, because God gives you a son like me..
That’s one of my basic principle for my way of life…
Love you, Mom.. Love you Dad…

Wondering, Where’ll It be Heading..??


Yeah, I know, I’m kind of reach my low points in this time.
And, it makes me felt angry, and at the same time, also, sad..
But, last night, in Qiyamullail time, I was questioning myself.
What actually did make me feel angry, dissappoint, or even sad?
Job..?? Girl..?? Friends..?? or maybe, “stupid” football..??

Then I realized, none of all that matters.
It’s just because all of my expectation or maybe my ambition.
And, of course, I’m afraid to fail.

When I was a little, I liked to think that I knew everything,
but the last thing I really wanted, was to know too much.
What I really want was for grown-ups to make the world a safe place
where all my dreams can come true..
And when I was a kid, it didn’t seem like a lot to ask..

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